Monday, December 14, 2009

Memento Stuttering

Self-reflection causes pain, especially when focusing on not-so-wanted aspects of one's behaviour. Let me look at what I am doing when I stutter. Dave Rowley's pictures during my guest lectures are a good example. I really hate to see those pictures, and would like to dig them away very deep. However, that would mean that the behaviours are controlling me, my digging that is. I am reminded of the Capucin Crypt monks' Memento Mori in Rome: see here, too. They dug out the bones of their dead fellow monks and decorated a whole crypt and cellars with them! Bones on the walls. Bones as an altar. Monks out of bones and skull. Crosses out of bones. Looks really morbid, but great experience. Or go to the Parisian catacombs! Same thing but a bit more somber. Millions of bones and skills. It's like my monster speech. You don't have to run from them, just face them, go through a scary moment expecting certain death and they run away and you look like a fool for having run away for years.

I always close my eyes, and look down. If you have the sound on, you would probably hear. lots of fillers like ehhhh.

Again, I am closing my eyes but not looking down. I have to say that my body language with hands is still pretty good! ;-)

I am most shocked about this picture. I don't really show symptoms as such, but I look very on the edge. Note the red patch on my neck. That's blood ready to burst out at any moment. My God, isn't that a recipe for a stroke at a more advanced age?  This reminds me of a shocking comment of someone close to me: Sometimes you are in near hysteria when stuttering.

To all of those who would not dare doing what I just did and claim to have recovered, are you really? Is stuttering not taking the front seat in your life?


Satyendra said...

Most important- you look genuine, in the act of communicating to your audience..
Actually you look good- than those poker faced professors who would carry on for ever and ever with a "straight" and boring face..

Anonymous said...

To say it straight: You do not look different from any other person pictured during talking. Make an experiment, take some pictures of stuttering and non-stuttering people during a talk and let others guess who stutters and who does not. Pictures like yours should not be identified as "stuttering pictures".
And the red spot... guess what, others have them as well, not everyone has access to or knowledge of hollywood-like make-up. You are a handsome guy not (mainly) due to physical charcteristics but due to your energy. And that's all what a man can contribute to beauty ;-) (besides his egocentricity, but here you do not have to shy away either).

Anonymous said...

Your photo's kinda make you look like a bad disco dancer...

Anonymous said...

well, photos... get a video next time and analyze that, that s closer to reality. answering your questions to the reader: no, i have not recovered, but i don t care so much as before. and that makes the difference. stuttering may be sitting next to you in the front seat but not driving the car. you are.

greetz, blanka

Anonymous said...

I feel you, I probably would have passed out and knocked my front teeth out on a desk.

It takes a lot of "balls" to make a speech as a stutterer.